Jadé Fadojutimi, And willingly imprinting the memory of my mistakes, 2023
The 4 euros extra for a flight to Greece I refused to pay on principal, it fractured relationships and raged a pandemic. We did not get to go to Greece.
The hurtful things written on a google pay chat, stacking up who had spent what for whom in the relationship, concluding with the statement that they did not care about me. They left a few years after that.
Thinking some people should not miss out, and having to pay for their experience in the end because they never offered.
I lose so many things in the journey of finding what is fair.
In a territory marked with bangkok trips, staycations and bachelorette parties, I don’t know what is a good investment and what is privileged wastefulness. I have been raised to work hard and save, but I also subscribe to the religion of you only live once. In the midst of all this, I want to always have the option to live a creative life on my own terms. I only want to surround myself with people I can be 100% myself with.
When I note the pragmatism some of the people around me live with - drawing boundaries and spending money in ways which are indulgent yet only include them, I envy it with a resignation that comes from accepting it may never be me. Oscillating between overspending and money anxiety is a very painful way to live, and it doesn’t even help me in my relationships.
I have realized that self control is key - to be willing to walk away from every single material thing no matter how badly you want it. And I have realized that you should try not to make money decisions for others:
Not lending money is better than having to lament that they never paid you back
Only booking your ticket is better than booking for everyone else then paying for their share
Don’t give gifts with the assumption that they will value it as much as you do
Prioritize relationships of all kinds based on the simple pleasures of life. There is just as much to be found in picnics in the park, potluck lunches, second hand bookstore dates and train rides as there is in foreign trips, art festivals and five star vacations
Just because you can technically afford it doesn’t mean you should spend it
So yeah.
I think a lot about money for a writer, because I know what it feels like to not have it. I think a lot about money in the context of relationships because I do think it influences people more than they admit it. I have seen people isolate friends who don’t earn as much as they do (not because of the differences but the awkwardness), I have seen people suck up to their rich friends so that they get to attend cool diwali parties on their south delhi rooftops, and I have seen people define and redefine themselves by whether they can afford the maybelline blush or the rare beauty one. I have been the person who thought my friend was “luckier” than me because she had disney erasers and money to buy books at the scholastic book fair.
I also gained so many things on the journey of finding what is fair.
Sometimes fair is letting go, sometimes it is the abundance mindset, sometimes it is hustle silently and save it all. Sometimes it is revealing, sometimes it is shocking.
I hope to one day pare it down - to know what matters and let the rest flourish. In sunny gardens, tennis courts and on big oak writing tables, money is the means to a life, and life we must keep living. Money is only money and your real friends enjoy bread and jokes with you no matter where you are.
I hope that day exists. I hope those people do.
Truthful... One comment - when you lend, don't expect it to get back.
Lend what you can afford. Attach the purpose of asking to lend.
Some of the money I lent, didn't come back but the one which came back, gratitude was clipped to it.
I feel nice when two of such people say that I could afford my house because of you. Experience those smiles on their faces.
That is much bigger return.
Give a thought.